We’re All Fucked Now: Baboons Can Read

Not really. But, unlike some the human clients my friend the editrix deals with, baboons can tell whether a group of letters do or do not form a word.

WARNING! DANGER! BABOON PHOTO AT LINK.

I really, really, really hate baboons. But this is a fascinating study by a scientists who’s trying to figure out how humans learn to read and what parts of our brains we use to read. Since you can read, you really should check out the article. Literacy is one of the best things human have come with, ever.

Thanks, Rob!

Rise of The Planet of the Apes

Strange as it might sound, I love the Planet of the Apes franchise; always did. I grew up watching the movies and the TV show and the cartoon and planning how I was going to steal a close friend’s giant cheap orange plastic Dr. Zaius coin bank. Yes I did. Because the apes in the PotA franchise are human. The masks are not so realistic as to be scary, and the characterizations are good. Also, they’re pretty good movies, certainly up through Escape.

But this reboot? Brace yourself, then visit page two:

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Oh Rob!

Rob Schmidt, of Peace Party/Blue Corn Comics fame, has started sending me terrifying monkey links (forthcoming).

Thanks-I-think, and welcome to my blogroll!

Newspaper Rock is a great, monkey-free blog about Native Americans in the news and popular culture. Everyone should read it.

Toy Story Three

On the whole, this movie really did it for me. I laughed and that oversized raisin in my ribcage went a bit moist.

Then came the monkey. The cymbal clashing monkey. The screaming, treacherous, cymbal clashing monkey.

The HISSING screaming treacherous cymbal clashing monkey with its eyes starting out. It’s so scary it’s behind a cut.

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The Fangs Are Not the Problem

“[S]ammy’s owner was sleeping in a bed with the monkey when he accidentally rolled over onto it.”

I–no, you didn’t–really–sleep with…SHUDDER. Creepy white-eyelidded monkey pix at site. A vid too, but I couldn’t look.

http://www.wavy.com/dpp/news/local_news/pet-monkey-attacks-owner-in-bed

(Apologies for the non-clickable link. WP hates me lately.)

Monkeys are dangerous because they’re strong, smart, nimble, fanggid, disease-ridden non-domestic animals with thumbs. Insisting that more research and the removal of some of this animal’s teeth would have magically made it happy to live in someone’s house makes you the opposite of an animal welfare advocate, Ms. Jeter. No animal should have to sacrifice teeth to live in your home, and no person should ever let his guard down around a monkey. Even defanged, they will mess you up. (See the Pet Monkeys link if you dare.)

I’ll probably dream about this tonight and wake up kicking my cat. )-:

Why I Fear Them 3: Zoonoses

Monkeypox and Yaba virus
Measles, rabies, hepatitis,
At least three kinds of shigella;
Polio and klebsiella

Tana pox, tuberculosis,
Campylobacteriosis,
If you’re not yet a believer
There’s simian hemorrhagic fever

And ringworm, and Marburg virus
Giardia, calicivirus
Ebola and erlichia,
Also cryptosporidia

Salmonella, leprosy,
Mycobacterium simiae,
At least five kinds of herpesvirus–
(One kills us by myelitis)

Malaria and nematodes;
Shistosomiasis, cestodes,
Disease-ridden lice and fleas:
Monkeys give folks all of these.

Amherst Ambush

Oh, hell no. Nonononono. A monkey. In diapers and a dress.

A pink dress.

TUCKED IN SOME CRAZY WOMAN’S BRA.

IN A COURTHOUSE. Short of my house or, say, a daycare center, I can’t think of anywhere monkeys belong less.

You’re going to Hell for this, Lady.

Why I Fear Them 2: They’re Armed

SCARY PIX aplenty behind cut! (Sometimes a phobe has to make her point.)

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Why I Fear Them 1: They’re Nasty

Monkeys are filthy nasty creatures. You know they are. You’ve seen them dig stuff out of their nose and smear it on the zoo window, or fling poo. Know why?

They get off on it.

The nasty, filthy, monkeys of South America apparently get off on filth.

(Warning: photo accompanying this article has five monkeys in it. One is eating corn on the cob and one is lolling its pink monkey tongue out. Sideways. You shouldn’t look; no one should.)

“At least people are thinking about science.”

Even Mandrills Don’t Want to See Mandrills

aka Mandrill Facepalm. Apparently monkey culture involves not wanting to deal with other monkeys.

Article has photos, but the monkeys’ faces are almost hidden by the delightfully expressive “monkeys go awaay” gesture.