Why I Fear Them 2: They’re Armed

SCARY PIX aplenty behind cut! (Sometimes a phobe has to make her point.)

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Why I Fear Them 1: They’re Nasty

Monkeys are filthy nasty creatures. You know they are. You’ve seen them dig stuff out of their nose and smear it on the zoo window, or fling poo. Know why?

They get off on it.

The nasty, filthy, monkeys of South America apparently get off on filth.

(Warning: photo accompanying this article has five monkeys in it. One is eating corn on the cob and one is lolling its pink monkey tongue out. Sideways. You shouldn’t look; no one should.)

“At least people are thinking about science.”

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Even Mandrills Don’t Want to See Mandrills

aka Mandrill Facepalm. Apparently monkey culture involves not wanting to deal with other monkeys.

Article has photos, but the monkeys’ faces are almost hidden by the delightfully expressive “monkeys go awaay” gesture.

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Happy Place, No Monkeys

Are there monkeys? Did they come out of nowhere like they do, and mess you up? Let Snark of the Covenant fix it for you:

That’s better, innit?

Unless the monkeys jumped on you, of course, in which case you should be at the ER now getting shots for everything, because monkeys are nasty.

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Nim Chimpksy Has a Movie.

At Sundance. Critically reblah blah blah blah. I ain’t watchin.’

I have compassion for my fellow homininae. It’s not their fault they scare me to fucking death. (It’s the baboons’ fault when you get down to it, but that is another story for another day.) But this?

“By the time he was three,” Hess summarizes, “he was too strong to be physically dominated.”

Truly, teach it to talk? You’re responsible for it until the day it dies whether you can beat it into submission or not, because now it can ask you why.

You taught me language; and my profit on’t
Is, I know how to curse. The red plague rid you
For learning me your language!

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Memphis Zoo Ambush Monkeys Revisited

Yeah, I went there. I thought I would see if I could walk through the Primate section. I couldn’t, but I took careful note of the ambush monkeys.

1) The Cat House Cafe ambush monkeys are white-cheeked gibbons, not siamangs. When I glanced over to read their sign, three or four of them were crammed into the Cafe window smashing their flat faces against it and watching people eat. GAAH! How can you sit there and eat like that?

2) In the China exhibit, the monkeys found near the small-clawed otters are likewise white-cheeked gibbons. There’s the nice big pond. Go straight=koi and Mandarin ducks. Go left=MONKEYS, then adorable little otters you can sometimes watch getting fed; nevertheless, MONKEYS.

3) Likewise in the China exhibit, the Francois lang…things are after the pandas. They are in a big glass box on your left. If it’s cold, and you’re lucky, as I was, the glass will be entirely fogged up and you won’t see a thing.

Something obvious I Just Figured Out: If you take an umbrella to the zoo and tip it just so, you can avoid looking at things you don’t want to see. Nice!

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Really, Florida, ENOUGH!

Hm, Miami….they have a Motel 6? Cool! Even I might be able to afford to vis–no NO no NO no NO NOOO!

Seems there are four species of monkey at large in Florida, and nobody’s sure how they got there. MONKEYDRAMA!

Much love, BTW, to the commentor who pointed out These are feral animals. Quicker, smarter versions of Burmese pythons. They don’t belong.

Pythons don’t belong in Florida either, but they’re much closer to being decent pets. Much.

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